Though It Tarries

So, one (dare I say) "advantage" to infertility is that you get to have some prenatal appointments earlier than the typical 8-week time frame.  We were super excited to get to see our little grey smudge via ultrasound as early as 6 weeks, and again at 7!  Thankfully, there's only one nugget in there and our nurse told us everything looks really good.  So without further ado... The smudge at 6 weeks... Can you believe it has a visible heart beat at this stage?  It was so clear on the ultrasound... hard to believe anyone could terminate such undeniable human life at this point and beyond. And, a larger smudge at 7 weeks, with a heartbeat still going strong.  The baby doubles in size from week 6 to 7, and the brain is growing in complexity. So, we've made it to the 8-week mark today, and I am filled with joy and anticipation.  And a lot of bloating and water weight... but I'm definitely not complaining!

One thing that God has shown us throughout this whole process is how incredibly blessed we are to have some amazing friends and family.  It is not uncommon to hear (within the infertility community) that many infertile couples suffer feelings of loneliness in their journey.  While I can't say we are entirely immune to those feelings, they've never been able to really take over because our hearts have been filled with the love of some magnificent people. I have friends who have been praying for us for almost two years, after my tearful admission in their living room one night.  I have one friend in particular who rises in the wee hours of the morning to pray for all kinds of people, and I have been on her list every day for over a year.  I have a friend who has been walking this tumultuous path alongside me, and we share each other's frustration, pain, and hope.  I even have some friends who had been postponing their own family plans until we completed our trea...

Last week, I went in for three blood pregnancy tests, where they measure the amount of HCG (the pregnancy hormone) to make sure things are progressing as they should.  Although every test made me nervous, I am happy to say that I passed with flying colors and all is well!  We are scheduled for our first ultrasound (6 weeks) next week on Tuesday. This is still a little surreal, but it's starting to sink in.  I can't wait to see our little speck on the ultrasound!

A glorious positive!  PRAISE THE LORD! To say that I was surprised is an understatement.  I was shocked , and am still slightly in disbelief.  Here's the story: Doctors instruct you to wait a full 14 days after an IUI to take a home pregnancy test, due to the fact that one of the medications for IUI is the actual pregnancy hormone that the test detects.  Waiting the full amount of time is supposed to ensure that the "artificial" hormone is out of your system so you don't end up with a false positive. So... as I neared the end of my eternal 2-week wait, I became convinced that I was not pregnant.  All hints of early pregnancy symptoms were absent (and still are), and I started feeling "that way" late Wednesday night.  Mike and I even had a talk on Thursday about what our plan was going to be moving forward. Friday morning (test day) rolled around, and all I could think about while pushing myself out of bed was how I just needed to get the test ov...

Yesterday I went in to get my blood drawn for a progesterone test.  They do this a week after an IUI to determine whether ovulation was successful or not, which, in my case, it was. But that's not what this post is about. Despite the fact that getting my blood drawn sends chills down my spine and nausea up my throat, I couldn't help but feel thankful as I pulled out of the Kaiser parking lot.  I am fortunate to live in a place where health care is available (10 minutes away from my house, nonetheless).  I am fortunate to have a job that not only enables me to pay for my health care, but also contributes toward my monthly premium.  I am fortunate that we can choose to pursue treatment for our "disease".  And I am fortunate that, no matter the outcome, this treatment will enable us to open a new chapter in life and move on.

"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.  For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him." -Isaiah 30: 18

Welp, the extra dosage of Clomid has done its trick this month.  I went in for my ultrasound today (the one where they look at the follicle size to determine when ovulation is likely to occur), and I've got two follicles that are ready to go!  Normally, the follicles aren't quite ready by this point, so the insemination is scheduled for a few days later and the "trigger shot" is done at home.  But today my doctor gave me the trigger shot at my appointment and insemination has been scheduled for tomorrow morning! I'm excited that this cycle is moving along quickly.  I'm tired of waiting... just want to get things done now.  Ah, patience... how you torment me with your virtue.

Quick update post... I went in today for a baseline ultrasound to begin our second round of IUI.  The purpose of the baseline ultrasound is just to check and make sure there are no ovarian cysts forming as a result of the Clomid. Today I also begin taking Clomid again for 5 days.  The doctor has increased my dose by 50% this time around because last cycle my progesterone was a little on the low side, and typically Clomid should make progesterone spike.  So, we'll see if I have any side effects this time around. I'll go back for another ultrasound on the 18th, and will likely be doing the insemination sometime around the 20th.  Then I have to find some way to occupy my brain for 2 weeks. I've been sick the last couple of days, which didn't make today's appointment much fun.  All I could think about was getting home to take a nap... but then there was that pesky pharmacy wait.  Ugh. Please pray for me to regain my health quickly so I can get back to...

IUI cycle #1 = FAIL.  Le sigh. Today sucked.  Tomorrow will (hopefully) be better.  And another way to look at this is that it's the beginning of another opportunity. Please say a prayer for us if you are so inclined.  It's pretty exhausting to have to hold yourself together all day when all you want to do is climb into bed with a bag of cookies and cry.

Today is a milestone!  We completed our first (and hopefully only) IUI cycle and we've got two weeks to wait and see what happens. Things I've learned over the last two weeks: The Pt. Loma Kaiser pharmacy (one of only two locations where you can pick up fertility meds) pretty much always has a one hour wait.  Bleh. Clomid is cheap, but Chorionic Gonadotropin (the ovulation "trigger shot") is really expensive... at least on my minimal insurance plan. Clomid isn't as scary as everyone makes it out to be.  I had zero side effects. Despite his general squeamishness about guts and blood, Mike was surprisingly calm and collected (dare I say... excited?) about sticking me with a needle at home. IUI is significantly less painful than the HSG procedure. So... here we go.  Commence emotional roller coaster.  Stay tuned, folks!

The realization of infertility approaches slowly.  First, your mind begins to wonder why things are taking a bit longer than you expected... but you quickly dismiss your fears in light of the fact that 8, 9, 10 months is still within the range of "normal," right?  Soon, 12 months hits and you're suddenly faced with the prospect that you may in fact qualify for the official diagnosis. Maybe we just haven't been timing things right.  Maybe I should stop drinking coffee.  Maybe I should try standing on my head (kidding). It was at this point that I finally sucked it up and bought a pack of magical ovulation-detecting pee sticks at Target.  Which, by the way, are NOT cheap!  $40 for a 1-month supply?  Excuse me, ClearBlue, but are you really that intent on adding insult to injury?  Just watch  me stretch your "1-month supply" into 4 months.  Start testing on day 6?  Psh.  Try day 10.  I live on the edge. Anyway, a...

"For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.  Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay." - Habakkuk 2:3 (NASB) Mike shared this verse with me a little while back after hearing some commentary on the radio.  Basically, the Israelites were awaiting God's revelation (vision) to the prophet Habakkuk regarding their deliverance from the oppressive Chaldeans.  God had promised that he would speak to them, but had not yet done so. Now, what can a wannabe mama learn from ancient Israel and a minor prophet?  Let's consult the experts: "Note, God has an appointed time for his appointed work, and will be sure to do the work when the time comes; it is not for us to anticipate his appointments, but to wait his time.  And it is a great encouragement to wait with patience, that, though the promised favor be deferred long, it will come at last, and be an abundant recompense to us f...

I have decided it's finally time for me to join the ranks of countless other less-than-fertile women in the blogosphere. This process has been long and tiresome, but God has opened my eyes and heart to a few things that I would not fully appreciate otherwise. I plan to share these things here, as best I can, in hopes of providing something relatable to others who may find themselves unwittingly trapped in this journey that they did not choose. I also plan to use this blog as a way to update friends and family on the progress of our treatments. Infertility is a constant cyclical ocean of weird emotions, and I've realized that I'm not always in the right state of mind to discuss these things in person. I figure some of these things will just be easier to communicate in writing. If you know me and love me, please know that I am by no means offended or annoyed by your questions; rather, I know that your interest means that you care. I just have a hard time talking a...