Though It Tarries

October was once a fairly non-chalant month in my world.  No birthdays to celebrate, no holidays that I cared about (Halloween was not really observed in our family), no anniversaries to speak of.  In fact, it, along with September, was generally a month that either felt either five years or five minutes long, depending on how our "busy season" played out at work.  I guess my point is... we just got through it without much thought. Now, October is a month of many moments to note.  The unforeseen and tragic death of a friend.  The simultaneous sense of loss and fulfillment felt in knowing my beloved grandma is now with her Savior.  The ability to fully savor each below-80-degree day as a hint of southern California seasonal change, now that I no longer spend my days behind a desk or a steering wheel.  The gratifying oddity of being able to mentally celebrate Caleb's actual conception date, and to know his age from the initial combination and division of our cells. S

Why you gotta be hatin', clearblue? In all seriousness.... seriously.  WTF.  Why.  Why???  4 cycles, 7 months, 200ish pills, and $4500 flushed down the toilet.  Sometimes I'm pretty calm and composed about all this - but right now I'm feeling a little jaded. We've decided to take this next month off, in light of our mental and emotional exhaustion, ever-waning savings account, and need for spiritual examination. God is good, and we continually ask for your prayers.

Moving right along... we decided to do another round of Clomid this month instead of the Bravelle injectables.  If this one doesn't take, we'll probably move onto the injectables, but I did feel more peace about giving Clomid another go.  Just a head's up... this post may be slightly TMI for some of you, so just skip to the end if you're the squeamish type. I had my ultrasound yesterday to determine follicle size and insemination scheduling, and it looks like I should have 2-3 good follicles and our IUI is scheduled for Saturday.  One side effect of Clomid is that your uterine lining can become thinner over time, and this is the first month that it's become an issue for me.  Nothing major... just slightly too thin for the best chances, so I have to take estradiol supplements for a couple days to hopefully build it up. I've decided I'm giving this cycle my FULL attention and throwing everything I've got at it.  I'm temperature charting; I'm &q

Surprise surprise... our last IUI cycle was, again, a big fat negative. So where do we go from here?  In case you've lost count, we're 3 cycles in and stillllll waiting.  Bleh.  Our clinic normally schedules an appointment with our doctor to sort of "regroup" after 3 failed cycles, so that's what we did this week.  We've been presented with a few options, so here's what we're tossing around at the moment: 1. (Simplest) - Continue doing up to 3 more IUI cycles with Clomid, same as we've been doing.  Just because it hasn't worked yet doesn't mean it never will.  This option is the cheapest, easiest, and least risky in terms of the possibility of multiples. 2. (A little more aggressive) - Continue up to 3 more IUI cycles with a drug called Bravelle (similar to Menopur), which is a daily self-injection (or spouse injection as I just don't think I have it in me) that will essentially cause more follicles to mature than Clomid does.  Th

Wondering what the heck we've been up to since May??  I am sorely behind in updating, and for that I apologize to those who have been hanging on the edge of their seats. We decided to take some time off of treatment after our second round because of a family vacation in May that would have interfered with timing.  Truth be told, I was relieved to have a little "forced" time off.  I was tired of taking daily medication and feeling a little out of sorts about our whole situation, and I just needed some time to let go and sort of regroup.  So one month off turned into two, because I still didn't feel ready to jump back in.  But here we are, getting ready to have our third IUI in the morning, and we're back in the game. I am concurrently eager and ambivalent; hopeful and pessimistic; thankful and annoyed.  I still have a really hard time understanding why it must be so difficult for us to fulfill the most natural of human desires - the thing which God purposed

My Mother's Day began with a scheduled home pregnancy test. How fitting, right? This time, since we were both home together, we decided we would reveal the result together. (Side note: one of the crappiest things about dozens and dozens of negative pregnancy tests is having to constantly be the bearer of bad news to your own husband.) I set a timer for two minutes and wrapped the test up in toilet paper to hide the result. The alarm rang, we nervously came together, and I held my breath as I slid the test out of the paper. Negative. Again. The sadness hit harder this time, and although I kind of expected that it would, I was still caught off-guard. See, two IUIs was all it took for us to get Caleb. And while I know that doesn't entirely have any bearing on how many rounds this one might take, it's like I'm now entering this realm of unfamiliarity, and fears that I don't particularly want to face. I honestly didn't really expect the first round to take. Bu