Anniversaries, Due Dates, Bereavement, Life

October was once a fairly non-chalant month in my world.  No birthdays to celebrate, no holidays that I cared about (Halloween was not really observed in our family), no anniversaries to speak of.  In fact, it, along with September, was generally a month that either felt either five years or five minutes long, depending on how our "busy season" played out at work.  I guess my point is... we just got through it without much thought.

Now, October is a month of many moments to note.  The unforeseen and tragic death of a friend.  The simultaneous sense of loss and fulfillment felt in knowing my beloved grandma is now with her Savior.  The ability to fully savor each below-80-degree day as a hint of southern California seasonal change, now that I no longer spend my days behind a desk or a steering wheel.  The gratifying oddity of being able to mentally celebrate Caleb's actual conception date, and to know his age from the initial combination and division of our cells.

See, he turned three on October 19th.  Not the actual three that counts here on earth, but the three of God's first stitch in my womb.  This might be weird for some people to think about, but to me, I guess it's just a perk of all of our meticulously scheduled personal business.

Speaking of personal business, I've been finding it harder and harder to be open about all of this as time goes on.  It's somewhat difficult to avoid mentally wandering into the void of hopelessness as the months carry on, and slightly excruciating to have to discuss from time to time.  Once in a while I find myself thinking about all of my friends' babies born in the last year and due in the coming months... precious babies gifted to beautiful women who's pregnancy announcements I remember in a strange amount of detail because they've all come in my time of longing.  I'm mostly struck by how quickly time moves by, both in reference to my own struggles and the lives of others.

But this morning I was actually given a decent amount of time to spend reading my Bible and praying (usually Caleb can hear the cracking of the cover and promptly awakens, hollering immediately about needing to go potty).  I was cross-referencing David's psalms with his life events in 1 Samuel when God spoke to me through these verses:

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame."
Psalm 34:4-5

"Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."
Psalm 34: 9-10

God answers.  He delivers and uplifts.  And I lack no good thing.  I have actually been given more good things in my life than I can possibly count.

And still my heart has its longings, and I believe my motivation to be pure.  So I keep asking, and keep seeking answers.  And this is where God has led us thus far.

Medically (and briefly) speaking, we chose to move on from Clomid this cycle and go for the daily injectables of follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) also known as Gonal-F.  We had another IUI performed this morning... that's round 5, for anyone who's lost count.  And now we wait.  This time I'll go in for a blood test in a couple weeks because apparently a home test isn't the end-all-be-all.

So that's where we're at.  Another potential conception anniversary just two days after Caleb's.  Am I superstitious?  No.  But that would certainly be a cool story. :)